Defeated vs. Depleted: How I Tell the Difference — And How I Fill Myself Back Up
There are moments when I feel heavy - like the world has piled a few extra weights on my shoulders.
Sometimes it happens after a setback (like last week with a client of mine).
Sometimes it’s after pushing hard for a long stretch without seeing the results I was hoping for (like last week with one of my workouts).
Sometimes it is within our relationships (like last week with my wife, lol).
But I’ve learned over time that not all heavy feelings are the same.
There’s a big difference between feeling defeated and feeling depleted - and knowing the difference has changed how I heal, how I lead, and how I keep moving forward.
When I Feel Defeated
When I feel defeated, it’s more than tiredness.
It’s like this deep sense of loss. It’s that gut-punch feeling that maybe the effort I gave wasn’t enough - and maybe I’m not enough either (which is a really big one I struggle with at times).
Defeat often brings shame, hopelessness, and a sense of finality. It sounds like:
"Why bother trying again?"
"I’m not cut out for this."
"This proves I’ll never succeed."
When I’m caught in that headspace, it's easy to start thinking that the failure is permanent.
I forget that it’s simply one moment in a long journey - and start believing it defines me.
That’s the dangerous part about defeat: if I don't catch it, it doesn't simply stay attached to a moment. It attaches itself to my identity.
When I Feel Depleted (or Deflated)
Depletion is something else entirely.
When I’m deflated, it’s not that I think I’m a failure - it’s that I’m out of energy.
It’s like a balloon slowly losing air.
I’ve poured out so much energy - purpose, focus, heart - and now my tank is empty.
Deflation sounds like:
"I need a break."
"I gave it my best, but I'm exhausted."
"I just need a minute to catch my breath."
It doesn’t attack my worth.
It simply reminds me: I’m human. I need to refill. Why is this so hard for so many of us?
And that's THE important distinction - because when I recognize deflation for what it is, I don't shame myself for it.
I honor it. I listen to it. Today, I listened to it. I started this article and then I chilled, rested and laid in my hammock because last week was a little tough. And for the first 10 minutes all I felt was guilt, and finished this article. I still have a lot of work to do on guilt, lol!
How I Tell the Difference
These are the questions I ask myself when I’m feeling heavy:
Am I questioning my worth? (defeated)
Am I questioning my energy? (deflated)
Do I feel like I am a failure? (defeated)
Do I simply feel like I need to rest? (deflated)
Getting honest with myself about the answers helps me choose the right next step - not from a place of reaction, but from a place of restoration. I knew I needed rest so I took it. I am glad I did. I now need to figure out how to do it with more peace and grace for myself.
How I Fill Myself Back Up
Over the years, I've found a few practices that help me move from empty to full again - whether I’m battling defeat or deflation. I am not perfect at these, simply ones that help.
1. I Reframe the Story
If I’m feeling defeated, the first thing I have to do is rewrite the story in my mind.
I remind myself: This is not the whole story. This is one page in one chapter of a much bigger book.
I ask myself:
What did this experience teach me?
How could this setback sharpen me for the future?
What would future-me want me to do right now?
Reframing helps me pull the wisdom out of the wreckage.
It helps me see the loss as a teacher, not a tombstone. Are there other questions you ask?
2. I Rest with Intention
When I’m feeling deflated, I don't simply crash onto the couch (okay, as you read earlier, it is the hammock, but I don't stay there all day).
I choose real rest — the kind that restores me.
For me, that looks like:
Long walks outside (no phone, usually with my dog)
Early bedtimes
Good books that make me think and dream (reading A Return to Love Right now and LOVING it).
Laughing with people I love
Saying no to extra obligations, even if my ego wants to say yes. NO “should” in this moment.
Rest isn’t a reward I give myself once I’ve “earned it.”
Rest is the fuel that allows me to keep showing up.
3. I Reconnect to My Purpose
When defeat or deflation hit, it’s easy for me to lose sight of why I started in the first place.
So I go back to my why.
I ask:
What mission am I truly connected to?
Who am I doing this for - beyond myself?
What future am I building?
Purpose pulls me through the hard days.
It reminds me that the effort is bigger than any single moment of success or failure.
4. I Surround Myself with Full People
There’s this kind of magic that happens when I’m around people who are full - full of hope, full of fire, full of courage.
When I spend time with people who are rising, it helps me rise too. That is why my kids are such great teachers.
Their energy reminds me that heavy moments are simply that: moments - not life sentences.
There are days when I still feel defeated.
There are days when I still feel completely deflated.
But I remind myself:
I’m not broken. I’m building.
Feeling heavy doesn’t mean I’ve lost.
It means I’m in the process of becoming stronger, wiser, and more whole.
When I name what I’m feeling, when I honor it, when I respond with care instead of criticism - that’s when the real healing happens.
Because the world doesn’t need a perfect version of me.
It needs THE full version of me.
And today, that’s what I’m working toward - one step at a time.
P.S. It’s Okay to Quit
There is one more thing I want to share about this. One thing I’ve learned - and sometimes still wrestle with - is that it’s okay to quit.
Our society tends to look down on quitting, like it’s some great moral failure. But the truth is, knowing when to quit is a form of wisdom, not weakness.
There are times when walking away is the healthiest thing I can do.
There are times when the dream changes, when the season ends, when my energy is better invested somewhere else.
But here’s the thing:
Most of the time, when I feel like quitting, it’s not because I’m truly defeated.
I’m simply depleted.
And depletion doesn’t require a full stop - it requires full care.
Before I decide to walk away, I ask myself:
Am I quitting because I’m truly called to something different?
Or am I quitting because I’m tired, scared, or overwhelmed?
When I pause long enough to answer honestly, I usually find my way forward - whether that’s pushing through with new strength or gracefully letting go with peace. I hope this helps you today! Keep being THE!