How to Lead with Security: Practicing Confidence in Ourselves, Our Relationships, and Our Work

In leadership, business, relationships, and life, there’s this one force that drives the way we show up: security.
When we feel secure in who we are, we lead with calm. We communicate with clarity. We build trust without needing constant validation. When we feel insecure, we grasp, we prove, we protect, and we often lead from fear. I am not saying that we need to eliminate insecurity, that’s part of us being human and often times looking at the insecurities often teach us the most (for me it has).

What we can do a better job of though is anchoring ourselves in security, cultivating it, and leading from it. Why? 

Why Security Matters in Leadership and Life: 

When we are secure, we:

• Make decisions based on values, not fears.

• Listen to understand, not to defend.

• Lead with curiosity, not control.

• Trust others instead of micromanaging.

• Move through challenges with steady confidence.

I have seen in myself and others I advise that insecure leadership often looks like:

• Needing to be right.

• Competing instead of collaborating.

• Reacting emotionally instead of responding thoughtfully.

• Seeking approval over making principled choices.

When we bring insecurity into our relationships, teams, or businesses, we risk creating environments filled with doubt, power struggles, and surface-level success that ultimately cracks under pressure.

When we bring security, we build cultures where people feel safe, seen, and supported. So how can we do more about being and feeling more secure in all areas of our life? 

How to Practice Being More Secure

Security is not something we have - it’s something we practice. We can build it like a muscle. Here are ways to strengthen that muscle across different areas of life and ones I have used this past year as I have discovered new found insecurities: 

1. Know What You Stand For

Insecurity often comes from being unsure about what matters most to us.
Write down your personal values. Revisit them. Let them guide your decisions. When we stand firmly in our values, we need less approval from others. What do I value? 

2. Name Your Insecurities

Security doesn’t mean pretending we don’t have insecurities. It means we can see them without being controlled by them (way harder said than done). I have worked on this by naming the parts of life where insecurity sneaks in. For some of us it’s our body. For others, it’s our parenting, our leadership, or our financial success. One thing I have discovered coaching leaders for the last decade, no matter how much external success we see in others, I can tell you for certainty EVERYONE has insecurities. When we name it, we can work with it.

3. Validate Yourself First

Many of us wait for external validation before we feel secure. I used to be the king of this! When we practice validating ourselves first, we step into leadership with more calm. When we do something well, say to ourselves: I am proud of the effort I gave today.When we make a mistake, say: I am learning and growing, and I can repair this.

4. Surround Yourself with Secure People

Security is contagious. When we are around people who don’t compete, don’t gossip, and don’t operate from fear, we grow. Seek out those who cheer for us, hold us accountable, and remind us of our value.

5. Stop Performing, Start Participating

Insecure leadership performs for applause (I hate to admit that I did and still sometimes find myself doing this). One thing I am reminding myself of is that secure leadership participates for progress. Show up to meetings, relationships, and projects not to impress, but to contribute. This has been one BIG shift in how I lead and show up. When we focus on adding value instead of gaining approval, we grow real confidence.

6. Set Boundaries with Grace

I have found that when we are insecure people we either build walls or people-please (I am more of a people-pleaser). The most secure people I know set boundaries with love and clarity. They can say no, advocate for what they need, and still remain connected. This is one of the most powerful skills we can build in our relationships and leadership.

Leading from Security

When we lead from security, we lead with openness, strength, and humility. We don’t need to be the loudest voice in the room. We don’t need to win every conversation. We don’t need to protect our title or guard our pride.

We get to be fully present.
We get to build trust (#TrustIsAMust)
We get to create environments where others feel secure, too!

This is the kind of leadership that lasts. It is the kind of leadership that transforms.

Let’s commit to the practice - because when we are secure, we make space for real growth, true connection, and meaningful success.

(Thank you to the little fish who hung out with me during my morning swim in the ocean that inspired this article).