When “No” Isn’t a Reason: The Power of Checking In With Ourselves
This past week, my son asked for a haircut.
Not any haircut—a full buzz. The kind that makes you pause for a second as a parent because a part of you flashes to school photos, family events, or that tiny voice in your head that whispers, “What is your wife going to think when you bring him home looking like this?"
So I did what many of us do: I told him no.
He asked why.
And suddenly, I had nothing. No principle. No boundary. No meaningful explanation. Simply a reflex. A habit. A protective instinct without a purpose.
So I checked in with myself.
And I let him buzz his hair.
Then, of course, he turned to me with that curious, generous, boyish look and said, “Dad, will you buzz yours with me so we can match?”
I said no again.
He asked why again.
And again… I didn’t have an answer that came from intention rather than fear, ego, or habit.
So I shaved my head.
Now we have matching haircuts—and I have THE reminder I didn’t know I needed.
No Is Easy. But Easy Isn’t Always Right.
We say no more often than we realize:
No, because we’re busy.
No, because we’re tired.
No, because we’ve never done it that way.
No, because what will people think?
No, because it’s safer.
But often, the real reason is simpler:
We don’t stop long enough to ask ourselves why we’re saying it.
We build habits around protection, control, and predictability. Sometimes these habits serve us. But often, they block us from experiences, memories, and moments that could shape us.
Sometimes, we aren’t protecting a boundary—we’re protecting a fear.
Sometimes, we aren’t teaching a lesson—we’re avoiding discomfort.
Sometimes, we aren’t leading—we’re reacting.
And one way to know the difference is to pause long enough to check in with ourselves.
The Leadership (and Parenting) Trap: Auto-No
Leadership and parenting share this sneaky trap: the auto-no.
It sounds like:
“Because I said so.”
“Not right now.”
“Let’s not do that.”
“Maybe later.”
“That’s not a good idea.”
Auto-no is efficient, fast, and easy. It keeps things orderly. Predictable. Controlled.
But it can also:
Shut down curiosity
Limit growth
Diminish connection
Kill creativity
Break trust
What my son taught me this week is that my instinctive no had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
And when I slowed down long enough to examine it, I discovered:
I wasn’t worried about his haircut.
I was worried about what other people might think of my haircut.
I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable.
I didn’t want to feel exposed.
I didn’t want to answer questions.
I didn’t want to look different.
The no wasn’t about him.
It was about me.
And that’s when you know you’re dealing with a no that needs to be challenged.
When To Say Yes (Even If It Scares You)
We don’t need to say yes to everything.
But we need to say yes to more things that matter.
Say yes when:
The only thing stopping us is ego
The only risk is discomfort, not danger
The memory created is worth more than our fear
The connection gained is greater than the control we lose
Our child (or partner, or team, or friend) is inviting us into their world
In my case, the haircut wasn’t about hair.
It was about:
Connection
Trust
Letting go
Matching his confidence
Meeting him in this one moment he’ll remember
He didn’t want me to buzz my head for the sake of style.
He wanted to share an experience.
He wanted a moment with me.
And when I said yes, I didn’t lose anything.
But I gained something I can’t grow back.
The Simple Practice for Better Yeses and Smarter Nos
Next time we feel the instinctive no rising in our throat, ask yourself three questions:
1. Is this no protecting something real—or something imagined?
Is it a boundary?
A value?
Safety?
Or an old fear wearing a new outfit?
2. What memory will this create—or prevent?
Will this moment bring us closer?
Or cost us a connection?
3. Will future-me be proud of the no?
Or relieved I said yes?
If the answer is unclear, slow down.
Breathe.
Check in.
Then choose with intention, not habit.
Why This Matters (For All of Us)
Saying no doesn’t make us strong.
Saying yes doesn’t make us weak.
What makes us strong is being intentional.
What makes us wise is being aware of why we choose what we choose.
What makes us THE parent, THE leader, THE partner—the one people trust—is our ability to respond consciously rather than react automatically.
This week, my son taught me the lesson I didn’t know I needed.
He showed me how often I say no without thinking.
He reminded me that leadership starts inside our own heads.
And he gave me a haircut that will grow back—
but one moment I’ll remember forever. Thank you buddy!