Discomfort vs. Destruction
This week I had the chance to do something that rarely happens when I am out keynoting at conferences.
I got to sit in the audience and listen. And it was amazing!
One of the speakers, Lesley Kelly, shared a video that stopped the entire room. It featured one Canadian soldier named Kelly speaking about her experience returning from combat overseas. She talked openly about living with PTSD, anxiety, and depression after her time in the military.
At one point in her story, Kelly shared that she had opened up to someone about what she was going through. After hearing her story, the person responded with something many of us have heard before:
"Oh… well then my depression and anxiety must not really be that bad."
Kelly paused and responded with one of the most powerful analogies I have ever heard.
She said:
"People drown in oceans. They drown in lakes. They drown in pools. Some even drown in bathtubs. Let’s stop talking about how much water they are in while they are drowning, and instead focus on the fact that they need help breathing."
That line stayed with me.
Because we do this all the time.
We compare pain.
We compare stress.
We compare hardship.We convince ourselves our struggles “don’t count” because someone else has it worse.
But pain is not a competition.
Someone struggling in a bathtub still needs air.
Discomfort vs. Destruction
That idea made me share something in my keynote that I believe is incredibly important for all of us as we move through life and leadership.
There is difference between something that is uncomfortable and something that is destructive.
And many of us were raised with the belief that quitting is failure.
We were told:
Never quit.
Push through.
Tough it out.
Keep going no matter what.
Persistence is powerful. Grit matters. Commitment matters.
But there is this dangerous side to the idea of never quitting.
Because sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is quit.
Not when something is uncomfortable.
But when something is destructive.
Discomfort Is Often the Price of Growth
Discomfort shows up when we are learning.
Discomfort shows up when we try something new.
Discomfort shows up when we have hard conversations, stretch our abilities, or grow into the bigger version of ourselves.
Discomfort might look like:
Leading the team meeting for the first time when we feel nervous
Having difficult conversations with someone we care about
Starting our new job or leadership role
Trying something we might fail at
Growth almost always comes with discomfort.
So when something is uncomfortable, the answer is often lean in, not walk away.
Destruction Is Different
Destruction is not about growth.
Destruction is when something consistently damages:
Our mental health
Our relationships
Our sense of self
Our family
Our wellbeing
Destruction drains us instead of developing us.
Destruction might look like:
That one relationship that constantly tears us down
The job that destroys our health or identity
Habits that erode our confidence and joy
Environments where we feel smaller every day
And when something is destructive, perseverance is not strength.
Walking away is.
Knowing the Difference
One of the most important skills we can develop in life and leadership is the ability to ask:
Is this uncomfortable, or is it destructive?
If it’s uncomfortable, we probably need to stay and grow.
If it’s destructive, we need the courage to stop.
To step away.
To quit.
Not because we are weak, because we are wise enough to protect what matters most.
Stop Comparing the Water
The lesson from Kelly’s analogy applies here too.
Stop comparing the water.
Stop telling ourselves our struggle doesn’t matter because someone else has more.
If we are drowning, we need air.
If something in our life is destructive, we need change.
Growth requires courage.
But so does leaving what harms us.
And sometimes the most powerful decision we can make is not to keep pushing forward.
Sometimes the bravest thing we can say is:
“This is destructive. And I’m done.”